How our childhood affects our adult life
Our early experiences shape our belief about ourselves, others and the world
Childhood experiences have a profound impact on our lives, shaping the adults we become, affecting everything from our jobs to our friendships and relationships.
As we go through life, we may not always realise how much our childhood experiences impact who we become as adults. From the way we interact with others, to our coping mechanisms, and even to the way we see the world, our childhood experiences have a profound impact on on our mental health, emotional well-being, and even our physical health. Being aware of these experiences is crucial for our personal development and inner peace.
Whether you experienced overtly harmful behaviours from your parents, or simply grew up in an environment that left you feeling emotionally unfulfilled, it's important to acknowledge and address these experiences in order to heal and grow as a person.
Common signs that our childhood experiences are still influencing us
There are many factors that indicate that our early years still affect us today. While not all childhood experiences are traumatic, some parenting styles can still have a negative impact on us in our adult lives. As children, we rely on our parents or caregivers to provide us with love, support, and guidance. However, some parenting styles can lead to negative outcomes. It's important to mention that these negative influences and behaviours are not set in stone and can be changed through therapy or other self-help techniques. Becoming aware of our wounds and the ways in which they affects us, is the first step in improving our life and the ability to form healthy, fulfilling connections with others.
Some of the negative childhood influences that are still affecting us to this day may include:
Attachment issues
One of the most significant ways that childhood experiences can affect our adult lives is through our attachment styles. Attachment styles refer to the ways in which we form and maintain relationships with others, and they are often shaped by our earliest experiences with our caregivers. Children who had parents who were consistently responsive and attentive to their needs tend to develop a secure attachment style. As adults, those with secure attachment styles tend to be comfortable with intimacy, have healthy self-esteem, and are able to communicate effectively with people around them.
Children who had parents who were inconsistent or neglectful (physically or emotionally) may develop an anxious or avoidant attachment style. People with anxious attachment styles may feel insecure in their relationships, fear abandonment, and require constant reassurance from their partners. Those with avoidant attachment styles may have subconscious fear of intimacy, fear vulnerability, and struggle to express their emotions.
Self-esteem
Children who grew up in environments where they were praised and encouraged tend to have higher self-esteem as adults, while those who were criticised or punished for mistakes tend to have lower self-esteem. If a child experiences frequent criticism or rejection, they may develop low self-esteem that persists into adulthood. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, difficulty asserting themselves, and a lack of confidence in their abilities.
Coping Mechanisms:
When children feel heard and understood by their parents, they are more likely to develop positive coping mechanisms. Parents who provide emotional support such as validation of emotions, active listening, comfort and reassurance enable their children to develop strategies and behaviours that they can use to deal with stress, adversity, and difficult emotions. However, if the parents do not validate or shame their children’s feelings, they may later on develop negative coping mechanisms such as avoidance, substance abuse, or aggression. Children who grew up in stressful or unpredictable environments may particularly develop avoidance, substance abuse, or self-harm.
People-pleasing:
Children who are raised in environments where pleasing others is valued over their own needs and desires may become people-pleasers as adults. If the parents were highly critical of their children, withheld compliments, had high expectations of their children, or had angry outbursts when their children did something wrong, these children learned that accommodating parents’ wishes was the safest way to earn their love and respect. These children most likely grew into adults that have difficulty setting boundaries and putting their own needs first.
Avoidance of conflict
Disagreements and conflicts are essential part for our development. When people avoid the slightest disagreement, they’re compromising their true feelings and storing up frustration that can end up negatively affecting their psychological and physical health. Children who grew up in volatile or abusive households may learn to avoid conflict at all costs, even when it is necessary. This can lead to difficulty in relationships, fear of confrontation and inability to have healthy communication.
Trust issues
Trust begins to develop since in the first 15 minutes of our life. This happens through the physical contact with the parents that we call bonding. Later this bonding extents to how child’s physical and emotional needs are being met. Child either learns that the world is a safe place when it needs are met, or the child becomes guarded and creates a belief system that world is unstable and hostile place, when they are let down by the adults who are not there to soothe them. Children who have experienced betrayal, abandonment, or abuse will also struggle to trust others as adults, which can lead to difficulty forming close relationships and a tendency to be guarded or defensive.
Perfectionism
Children who received a lot of praise and validation for their achievements, or physical looks, or were not allowed to be spontaneous, or punished for being different from the parents’ expectations developed a need for perfectionism as adults. Perfectionism can lead to anxiety and stress when things do not go according to plan, and a fear of failure.
Negative Relationship Patterns:
Our childhood experiences shape the patterns we form in our romantic relationships. For example, if we grew up in a household with a lot of conflict, we may unconsciously seek out partners who are similar to our parents, and we may find ourselves repeating the same patterns that we experienced in childhood.
Your upbringing doesn’t have to continue to define you in significant ways. Awareness is always the first step but you have to be willing to make changes.
Does this mean your parents were bad ?
Not necessarily. They were probably doing their best with the resources they had at that time. They too had a childhood that created their own wounds and traumas and they most likely never intended to hurt their children in any way. Understanding why our parents behaved the way they did can help you develop compassion and empathy, and see them as human beings who make mistakes.
The experiences you carry can be very painful, and it may be difficult to let go of the hurt and resentment that you feel towards your parents. Holding on to negative emotions such as anger, resentment, or bitterness can have a negative impact on your mental and physical health.
Forgiveness and therapy work will allow you to let go of these negative emotions and move towards healing and positivity. Forgiving your parents can break these negative patterns and help you develop positive coping mechanisms and healthy relationships. By breaking the cycle of negative patterns, you can improve you own well-being and that of future generations.
When we forgive, we release ourselves from the burden of carrying negative emotions, and we can experience a sense of freedom and peace.
